Thru our eyes we see the World

My eyes are my history. They contain the archives of all my memories. Eyes wide open or shut tight, I can still see them, the faces and places I have loved, shared with people long gone -- Shanie, my first childhood love; Shereen, the girl who I really adored and would do anything for, Selena, the girl that was most suited for me; Joann, the girl that I truly loved, a more recent loss. She appears ever so often, across my vision, the movie screen of my memory, my eyeballs.

They are astonishing, these eyes of ours. They are scavengers, promiscuous; they roam everywhere, taking their pictures, sending them up the most sophisticated neural pathways to the brain, where they are processed and stored. Things loved: that father. Young, older, heartbroken. A zillion pictures.And in the foreground: a traveling companion, a dog, a sister, a lover.

We talk of love at first sight. Is there really such a thing? Both men and women attest to it, using their eyes to scan -- even inhale -- each other on first sighting. But do they see the same thing, react to the same cues? It is always said that men are more visual, more reactive to physical attributes.

And women? I don't think they are any less visually aroused.

Xu Gao Hua

Over two-thirds or 75% of divorces are initiated by women

It's a sign of troubling times and an effect of the aftermath of women liberation. This scary statistic points out that world-wide, over two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. Take the latest case of high profiler and celebrity accomplished singer and "actress" Madonna.

It is surprising to note that the most common cause for a divorce or split in a relationship is not due to infidelity or abuse but rather a feeling that there isn't a sense of connection. So if you are really worried about this disturbing fact and at the same time think that you're an okay man to live with, check and nurture that connection periodically. It is advisable as a man to learn to listen to your wife without getting defensive. It's a common rule of communication, "when somebody feels they are being heard, they are much more receptive to what the other have to say".

And taking that in stride and with Madonna in mind, when it's too late to save your relationship, consult a good lawyer to figure out the range of your potential obligations to avoid continued fighting. The solution is to negotiate rather than fight. It is crucial to have the capacity to understand where she is coming from. But if you do have the capacity to understand, you would not be at this last stage of the game would you?

The language of Sex: Secret or Myth

Unlock your woman's heart and re-ignite her passion...

Relationships are funny things: One partner can be blissfully unaware of the storm and thinking everything’s just fine and great, and the other can be like a ticking timebomb waiting to explode in any second. One of us is sure we’re on the right track, while the other is wondering, “Why don’t we talk anymore?” And more often than not, it’s the female who’s dying for more—more communication, more intimacy, more verbal acknowledgment that you’re committed to her happiness.

The reason is simple: When it comes to communication, women are like tropical plants, and men are like cactus. Studies suggest that the average woman speaks 7,000 words a day. The average man mutters just 2,000, and half of those are spoken to clients, colleagues, or the television. And it’s that discrepancy between our verbal styles and needs that can turn a once-hot relationship into yesterday’s leftovers.

A simple rule of thumb, then, is to talk more, share more, and be more open with your emotions. But telling a guy to share more is like telling him to eat less meat: Simple in concept, but not so tasty in practice. The solution is to maximize the communication you do have—to know a few simple phrases that will warm her heart and a few other intimate places, as well. If things feel a little chilly, a little distant, or a little lacking in boudoir beatitude, try speaking up. Here’s what to say.

I’m so glad we ended up together -- Every long-term relationship is a celebration of two people beating the odds. But the longer the two of you are together, the more couples you’ll know who didn’t make it. Each time a friend or neighbor goes through a divorce, it can send one or both of you looking for cracks in your own marriage. And that can have a dampening effect on your wife’s sex drive. Consider a recent survey that asked 2,000 women for the key factor in deciding whether or not they will sleep with a partner: Forty-six percent responded “knowing where the relationship is headed.” To rekindle her desire, focus her attention on the commitment you’ve made to her. The house, the kids, the wedding album—they’re all still there, but she needs spoken evidence, too.

I understand how important this is to you -- Women gauge the health of a relationship by how well they think you understand them. And one of the ways to communicate understanding to your partner is not to spring into action every time she expresses concern about something—a common male default. Instead of saying “here’s how we fix this,” simply listen to her and acknowledge that you understand her concern, even if you disagree with it. Listening and understanding are powerful validations of how much you respect her.

Let me tell you how my presentation went -- When she asks how your day went, she doesn’t want to hear “fine, and yours?” She wants details, not a highlight reel. To maximize the effectiveness, frame things in terms of your emotional reactions: “I was nervous when they didn’t jump at the offer, but I felt excited when they realized I was right.” “She needs to hear you talk about your feelings as best you can. You’ll be amazed at what revealing your feelings can do for the level of intimacy between you.

Tonight should just be about us -- In bed, focus on each other and the moment as much as possible, whether or not it leads to sex. “Don’t bring critical conversations into the bed. These are some of the most important minutes in your relationship each day,” says Parrott.

I’ve been fantasizing about making you feel good -- Here’s a shocker: When it comes to sexual fantasies, women are more selfish than men. In a survey of 85 men and 77 women ages 21 to 45, more than two-thirds of the men said they fantasized about pleasing their partners, while more than half of the women fantasized about their own pleasure. Women focus on themselves in fantasy because in real life the man’s pleasure is prioritized. Key in to her fantasy; let her know her wish is your command.

Put the 14th on your calendar; I’m taking you away -- Tune in to your wife’s sexual calendar by timing her menstrual cycle. Then time your romantic weekends accordingly. Ovulation raises testosterone levels, which makes some women extremely horny during their most fertile days. The science: A recent study of 68 sexually active women published in the Journal of Human Reproduction revealed elevated levels of testosterone and an average 24 percent increase in frequency of intercourse during the 6 days leading up to each woman’s ovulation. Calculate the start of this magic window by counting 2 weeks after she begins her period and subtracting 6 days.

I’ll draw you a bath -- Many women need a transition period between dealing with the stress of work and family life and feeling sexual. A few minutes of foreplay usually aren’t enough. After a few years together, men tend to start shortening foreplay, but the average woman takes 27 minutes to reach orgasm. A warm bath is a good place to start.

You deserve a long weekend with your girlfriends. I’ll watch the kids -- A recent study found that long-distance couples have fewer trivial arguments than those couples who live with each other. Because their time together is so precious, [long-distance lovers] really make an effort to reserve time for the relationship when they do see each other. To reap the benefits of space, manufacture your own distance by buying her a plane ticket for a minivacation from you.

I adore your freckles -- In order to feel sexy, a woman first has to feel beautiful. Women get intimacy from words. “You look beautiful” is a fine comment. But follow up by complimenting her on something that is unique to her, like her laugh or her freckles. This assures her that you find her attractive, as opposed to every other woman in the room.

I’ve always thought it would be fun if you didn’t use your hands -- During those times when the two of you are on solid ground and you want to move things to a higher plane, consider pushing the boundaries a bit. A recent survey of 2,000 women found that two out of three were interested in light bondage. The key is to keep the adventure positive. Don’t imply that you want this because the sex has grown stale. When you phrase it as something fun you want to try, it’s about having a good time, not fixing something that’s broken.

Let’s show the kids our honeymoon photos -- Reminding your wife of commonalities you share—whether it’s a birth date, a passion for Japanese architecture, or your favorite vacation spot—will ignite her desire for you, suggests recent research published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. There’s even a scientific term for the phenomenon: “implicit egotism.” It means we humans are attracted to things and people that remind us of ourselves.

I’ll meet you in the bedroom after I fold the laundry -- In a study of 3,500 people completed in 2003, researchers found that men who performed the most domestic chores were more sexually attractive to their partners than husbands who never or rarely pitched in around the house. Again, women react to verbal cues: It helps to nonchalantly mention it whenever you feel the urge to wash, dry, or fold.

The weather’s terrible. Let me pick up the kids from day care -- Women prefer mates who are protective and heroic rather than reckless and risk-taking. In the study, which involved 52 women, researchers described fictional men who decided whether or not to climb a steep mountain, travel alone in treacherous terrain, or jump into a river to save a drowning child. The majority of the subjects said they admired the men who took heroic risks but were not very impressed by the thrill-seeking adventurers. A woman wants a mate who is going to survive to continue being a provider and protector for her children and her.

Starting from today, speak the language of sex fluently.

Why some men don't get caught for cheating

In America, a lapse in monogamy ruins marriages, bankrupts couples, and condemns families to divorce-court hell. In Europe and elsewhere, infidelity is considered a bump in the road, if it's considered at all. Here's why.

Jane and Thomas were high school sweethearts, and now their own kids are in high school. About a year ago, Thomas, 47, a financial officer at a large corporation, suddenly started volunteering to take his son to soccer practice on Sunday mornings and began using his laptop at home. Jane noticed he seemed to hide the computer from her, and he never used it in front of her. He sought excuses to be alone; she became uneasy. One night, he made a hushed phone call downstairs while she was in bed. When he came upstairs, she asked who it was. He said it was no one, told her she was "hearing things," and said it must have been the TV. His denial was all she needed. She asked right then if he was having an affair, and soon enough he admitted he was. Their world came crashing down.

The other woman is a fellow employee who reports to him. She is 14 years Jane's junior and possesses, in Jane's words, "a Victoria's Secret body." Thomas agreed that he must end the affair, but for the past four months the evidence says otherwise. Jane has discovered cryptic text messages on her husband's cell phone and there are regular hang-up calls from a blocked number. Jane considered telling the other woman's husband about his wife's affair, but then the woman--out of revenge--could sue Thomas for sexual harassment. This has the potential to bankrupt the family. So would divorce. Every time Thomas stays late at work, Jane can't help but accuse him--even if it's silently, just with a look--of having been unfaithful again. In their own home, Jane and Thomas are now deadlocked in marital misery, fighting tearfully and viciously.

Does it have to be this way? Must an affair lead a couple inexorably to divorce court or bankruptcy? Do other cultures handle the circumstances of infidelity with different protocol and ethics? I asked these questions of Anna, 30, an American with a European background and a 1960s Italian art-film look: a decadent face, a slim, curvy body in a tweed pencil skirt. One night exactly a year ago, Henri, a Parisian client of Anna's company, came to town for a professional event. They flirted unapologetically throughout the evening. When she invited people to her place for late-night drinks, Henri stayed. Before they even kissed, he held up his finger. "You see I'm wearing this ring," he said. Anna said she did. "You know nothing will change," he continued. She answered that she did know that.

"It was adult," Anna says. "It was respectful to me, in a way, and to his wife, to ask that, and to make that statement. The next morning, he was sweet and open. We hung out for hours. He didn't run in shame."
Henri is the fairy-tale adulterer: European, sensual, guiltless. He is a figure we Americans look upon with wonder and terror, wanting to believe and desperately not wanting to believe that he (or she) exists. Because when we go too far at that bachelor party in Vegas, or at the office holiday party, or with the milkman or the butcher or the baker, we go into hysterics. We drink a bottle of Wild Turkey and drive onto our own lawn and confess, bawling, to our spouse. We cut our thighs with an X-Acto knife. We quit our job and work full-time for free at a soup kitchen. We enroll in specialized infidelity therapy. We hate ourselves. We fall apart.

We end up at Jane and Thomas's address. According to writer Pamela Druckerman, whose new book on infidelity, Lust in Translation, comes out next month, "Americans are the worst, both at having affairs and dealing with the aftermath. Adultery crises in America last longer, cost more, and seem to inflict more emotional torture than they do anyplace I visited."

For several years Druckerman, a former Wall Street Journal reporter, surveyed married or committed couples all over the world, and she not only charted the international styles and frequency of cheating, but also looked at each country's capacity for guilt and shame (or anger and vengeance, depending on the party's role) regarding infidelity. It seems no other population suffers the same magnificent anguish that we do. The Russians regard affairs as benign vices, like cigars and scotch. The Japanese have institutionalized extramarital sex through clubs and salaryman lifestyles.

The French, who don't cheat as much as we thought they did, prize discretion above the occasional lie. In sub--Saharan Africa, even the threat of death by HIV hasn't created a strong taboo on cheating. And God, well, he's tried. Like a father gently lecturing his adolescent, using the monogamy-is-cool approach, and then resorting to "You're grounded for life if you disobey me." But to no avail: Even God-fearing and devout Muslims, Christians, and Jews are still cheating and having affairs, still double parking on their spouses.

The above is an excerpt.

Virginity

What you lose after you have had sex...

My first kiss

My first kiss was rather wet and sloppy. It was given to me by my first actual girlfriend. We were fooling around one day at her house which was just across mine (under the watchful eyes of her sister) and she was sitting on my lap when she suddenly planted a large and wet kiss on my left ear.

I was pretty elated because it was my first ever. I think I spent more time thinking of her than I ever did on anything else. What we are going to do. How life was so wonderful. Et cetera et cetera et cetera. We were practically an item for about 3 years. Mornings before school were spent scuttling like a raccoon and swinging like a monkey over the fence to see her. I shall never forget the happy moments we shared.

Just recently I got to contact her again thru Facebook and she really hasn't changed much at all except that like me she is married and a parent. People change over time and move on forward in life. I'm glad that I have gone thru life thus far and experienced life as it is for me.